At the end
of a choked down
drawn out
shot
of spiced rum (true story),
I saw a flicker,
a stutter.
Commotion
in the tiny laughing
world of plants
coming from my
Bursting Heart,
Burning bush
tree.
What else could I do?
I lit a cigarette.
secret:
I saw
a small twig
or a stem move.
As I approached,
this little leaf
changed himself
into a lizard,
and I had scared him away.
September 27, 2007 at 10:39 am
Ok, I’m not sure if I like this. There is a splinter somewhere in here and every time I read over it something stings a little. What do you think?
September 27, 2007 at 2:19 pm
I like it. The “Bursting Heart,/Burning Bush/tree” part is the only part that flows funny.
Also, maybe instead of “I thought I saw/ a small twig” write: ” I saw a small twig”
September 27, 2007 at 7:31 pm
The last line is one I stumble over as well. Maybe “:” I had scared him away.
The “and” and “had” both really seem to dilute the line. Perhaps try using just one or the other?
Who am I anyway? =)
October 5, 2007 at 4:29 pm
I think, I have it figured out. I found the splinter! The rum and cigarettes have nothing to do with the poem. Sure, I was drinking rum and smoking a cigarette at the time, but honestly this element, at least in this poem, doesn’t fit. Does it lend itself to meaning? I believe it only mires the message. If the poem is about approach (original title: think I’ll switch it back) an how that has an effect on the object we approach, then rum and cigarettes have no place here. Unless, I can make it relevant without changing the meaning, the shots and drags must be omitted.
October 7, 2007 at 5:49 pm
Wow, that makes sense! The rest of the imagery is all about nature, so the rum/cigarette references do seem rather anachronistic, unless, as you say, you can make them conform to the meaning somehow.
October 8, 2007 at 2:12 pm
See, I thought it was about only noticing these things when taking yourself out of the context of them (intoxication).
October 9, 2007 at 11:05 am
Hmm…Ok, I’ll keep them in, only if they aren’t such a place to stumble over.